Chuck Schuldiner Was Never In Death

      It was 2012 and I was at the Republican National Convention in Tampa Bay, Florida. I was there as a lobbyist for the Balding Is Sexy Lobby. We were trying to get the
Destruction of Hair Follicles act passed through congress. I was making some headway with my fellow republicans when a startlingly beautiful woman approached me. She was 5'9", blonde, 375 pounds and had the face of a 35 year smoker. Needless to say this woman was gorgeous and she new it. She introduced herself as Tammy May Vasellinie. Stunned by her beauty I could barely croak out a return hello and introduce myself. She then told me she was running scared for her life and needed to tell someone her secret before she was killed. I took pity on this amazing vixen and agreed to meet her in the parking lot behind the only safe place I knew in this area. The Spearmint Rhino down the street.

    I pull into the parking lot behind the club and immediately catch hints of all the things that make me feel safe in this wayward world. The smell of cheap cologne and old sex permeates the air. As I exit the car the ground is sticky from who knows what substance. I feel right at home. I spot miss Vasellinie's car  and climb into  the passenger seat. The blond bombshell looks around warily and then says" What I am about to reveal to you could damage you life forever and certainly get you killed". I hesitated but how could I resist helping this incredible specimen of gods creation. I said "go on". She leaned over and whispered into my ear " Chuck Schuldiner was never in Death"!

      I WAS SHOCKED TO THE CORE! It felt as if my heart had been ripped from my chest. Surely this could not be true! This lady must be loony as hell I thought. I managed to stammer out my derision " what are your credentials that you would know of such a thing?" She said "I knew you would ask that sweetheart.  I was a groupie for the Glam Metal band Fastway (picture below)."

    She continued on " It was November 2005 and I was coming down from an all night bender with the band in a Knoxville, Tennessee Motel 6 when I stumbled into the wrong room and climbed into bed and had sex with a complete stranger. Later that day I woke up and realized that the man I slept with was not Fastway drummer Jerry Shirley. I asked the man who he was. The man looked at me and angrily shook his long blond locks and said " bitch dont you know Dave Mustaine when you see him!" I play in Megadeth the greatest band on earth. Better than even Metallica." Anyway she rambles on for a while about their argument of who was better Fastway or Megadeth. She said before Dave angrily threw her out of his room she grabbed an official looking document from his suitcase just to spite him. She hands me said document. What I proceed to read next exposes the greatest conspiracy in mankinds history. It is a confession of Dave Mustains sins before his god Cthulhu the mighty. He admits to his anger of his split with Metallica and knowing that his band Megadeth would never reach the same heights as Metallica he hatched a nefarious plan to topple their empire. He decided to invent Death Metal but he knew he could never be the face of the band so he invented a band called Death in which he wrote all the music. He knew he needed a charismatic front man so he recruited BackStreet Boys crooner Brian Littrell to grow his hair long so he could sing and play the guitar. The other members were homeless junkies he recruited from the streets. Lastly he changed Brians name to Chuck Schuldiner a male stripper his mother used to frequent. When Dave tired of his side project Death he faked Chucks Death and went on to write some of the greatest Thrash Metal albums of the 2000's.

    So there you have it the greatest mind blowing news in history! I am very afraid of the riots and society altering destruction this news will cause but in good conscience I could not keep it to myself. 

Followup: Dave Mustaine renounced Cthulhuism for Christianity recently yet he still maintains that he was never involved in the Schuldiner Death rigging conspiracy and claims that Barack Obama was the true mastermind. 

Your Editor In Chief - Carl (Baked Beans) Mcdonald